dear mom...

til this day, it frustrates me to know that you go about life as if you only have one child. i'm sorry i can't give you grandchildren or you seem not to enjoy my company the way you enjoy my sister's. i'm sorry if i seem as an embarrassment because of the way i look. however, i do not want to live my life the way you live yours: a life full of hate. i'm sorry that you treat my husband differently than you do my sister's. i'm sorry that things are awkward and/or silent when i come around therefore i find it difficult to even want to visit you. i'm sorry that you have only stepped foot into my apartment to visit me ONCE just because i happened to live next to your godson which you actually intended to visit. i'm sorry that you buy my sister extravagant gifts for christmas and i only get a mere sweater. i'm sorry i would rather go without than to ask to you for a dime that you would hold over my head even though i NEVER ask you for anything. i'm sorry that you didn't bother to want to be there to help me pick out my prom dress and wedding dress. i'm sorry that you didn't bother to ask me if i needed anything when i got my first apartment but filled my sister's with everything she needed. i'm sorry that when i do manage to set aside my feelings and try to make plans to spend time with you, that you always decline my offer. i'm sorry that my grandmother, my uncle, and i can relate to how we feel about they way you treat us. i'm sorry that i don't even want to acknowledge you on holidays because my feelings get hurt each time. i'm sorry that there has been numerous times that you only thank my sister for holiday wishes even though i still brought myself to call you on those same holidays. i'm sorry that you always hurt my feelings after each facebook post claiming how proud you are of my sister but there are none about me. i'm sorry that the facebook posts of you acknowledging my birthday is only a sentence long versus the paragraph-long posts you put up about my sister's. i'm sorry that i blocked you on facebook to prevent me from having to feel this way. i'm sorry that i don't even have the energy to continue on about my feeling towards you but one thing i am NOT sorry for is for how i have come to terms that our relationship will just never be. i've learned a few things from all of this: i've learned to be proud of MYSELF. i've learned to have my OWN back, i've learned to do things on MY OWN. i've learned how to love, trust, and i let GOD handle what it is left to handle.

nonetheless, i still love you...

why can't you be proud of me too?

Today, my mom pissed me off because of what and how she responded when I told her that Suni was going away for training to get his CDL. She gonna say "Uh, why does he want to drive trucks? That's what his career going to be? A truck driver?" Like it was a problem with it. Not everybody wants to clean toilets like Mike! I just want her to be proud of our accomplishments too like she is with Ashlee and Taylor. I'm sorry I can't give y'all grandchildren but I can't change that. I don't know why she treats me differently.

Nonetheless, I am PROUD of my husband. If he wanted to be a trash man, I would stand behind him 1,000%.

I wish the relationship between my mom and I was different but only time will tell.

one year later

sooooo.... this is exciting! i finally decided to get back to blogging again! what inspired me to do so was a series on netflix that i watched. besides, i need somewhere to express whats on my mind (when i have the time) which is nothing major, really. i have been employed at arlington public schools as an extended day assistant supervisor. crazy that i am supervising adults who are twice my age so adjusting to that is a challenge. working with children that are predominantly white is another experience within itself, too. especially since i have only worked with predominantly black schools for the last 10 years.

life with my husband has been blissfully great! no problems there. if anything, we continue to grow together each day and to know that we constantly support each other in our endeavors strengthens us daily too. <3

family-wise. i have the most AWESOME niece in the whole entire world. she is the newest addition to our family. she turned three last month and she's so smart! she can make the entire room go "aww" in a heartbeat, which she has done many times. her mom (my sister), has recently graduated from the police academy. words cannot explain how proud i am to see my little sister give her speech to represent her class.

my mom - i wish we were closer but i'll save that for a whole 'nother post.

my grandparents and my dad - one of my major support system as well. granddad is sick with throat cancer but i am able to grasp a dose of wisdom from him every now and then. my grandmother sometimes gets overwhelmed with having to support my granddad and my dad, who is wheelchair bound. she is the only one who is working to support the both of them to keep a roof over their heads. i wish at times i could help them at but we, too, are struggling ourselves. yep, christmas and our trip to florida for my sisters graduation from the academy definitely did us in. nonetheless, we are slowly picking up the pieces.

there's so much to say but that's the gist of it. until next time!

- L.