dear mom...

til this day, it frustrates me to know that you go about life as if you only have one child. i'm sorry i can't give you grandchildren or you seem not to enjoy my company the way you enjoy my sister's. i'm sorry if i seem as an embarrassment because of the way i look. however, i do not want to live my life the way you live yours: a life full of hate. i'm sorry that you treat my husband differently than you do my sister's. i'm sorry that things are awkward and/or silent when i come around therefore i find it difficult to even want to visit you. i'm sorry that you have only stepped foot into my apartment to visit me ONCE just because i happened to live next to your godson which you actually intended to visit. i'm sorry that you buy my sister extravagant gifts for christmas and i only get a mere sweater. i'm sorry i would rather go without than to ask to you for a dime that you would hold over my head even though i NEVER ask you for anything. i'm sorry that you didn't bother to want to be there to help me pick out my prom dress and wedding dress. i'm sorry that you didn't bother to ask me if i needed anything when i got my first apartment but filled my sister's with everything she needed. i'm sorry that when i do manage to set aside my feelings and try to make plans to spend time with you, that you always decline my offer. i'm sorry that my grandmother, my uncle, and i can relate to how we feel about they way you treat us. i'm sorry that i don't even want to acknowledge you on holidays because my feelings get hurt each time. i'm sorry that there has been numerous times that you only thank my sister for holiday wishes even though i still brought myself to call you on those same holidays. i'm sorry that you always hurt my feelings after each facebook post claiming how proud you are of my sister but there are none about me. i'm sorry that the facebook posts of you acknowledging my birthday is only a sentence long versus the paragraph-long posts you put up about my sister's. i'm sorry that i blocked you on facebook to prevent me from having to feel this way. i'm sorry that i don't even have the energy to continue on about my feeling towards you but one thing i am NOT sorry for is for how i have come to terms that our relationship will just never be. i've learned a few things from all of this: i've learned to be proud of MYSELF. i've learned to have my OWN back, i've learned to do things on MY OWN. i've learned how to love, trust, and i let GOD handle what it is left to handle.

nonetheless, i still love you...

why can't you be proud of me too?

Today, my mom pissed me off because of what and how she responded when I told her that Suni was going away for training to get his CDL. She gonna say "Uh, why does he want to drive trucks? That's what his career going to be? A truck driver?" Like it was a problem with it. Not everybody wants to clean toilets like Mike! I just want her to be proud of our accomplishments too like she is with Ashlee and Taylor. I'm sorry I can't give y'all grandchildren but I can't change that. I don't know why she treats me differently.

Nonetheless, I am PROUD of my husband. If he wanted to be a trash man, I would stand behind him 1,000%.

I wish the relationship between my mom and I was different but only time will tell.

one year later

sooooo.... this is exciting! i finally decided to get back to blogging again! what inspired me to do so was a series on netflix that i watched. besides, i need somewhere to express whats on my mind (when i have the time) which is nothing major, really. i have been employed at arlington public schools as an extended day assistant supervisor. crazy that i am supervising adults who are twice my age so adjusting to that is a challenge. working with children that are predominantly white is another experience within itself, too. especially since i have only worked with predominantly black schools for the last 10 years.

life with my husband has been blissfully great! no problems there. if anything, we continue to grow together each day and to know that we constantly support each other in our endeavors strengthens us daily too. <3

family-wise. i have the most AWESOME niece in the whole entire world. she is the newest addition to our family. she turned three last month and she's so smart! she can make the entire room go "aww" in a heartbeat, which she has done many times. her mom (my sister), has recently graduated from the police academy. words cannot explain how proud i am to see my little sister give her speech to represent her class.

my mom - i wish we were closer but i'll save that for a whole 'nother post.

my grandparents and my dad - one of my major support system as well. granddad is sick with throat cancer but i am able to grasp a dose of wisdom from him every now and then. my grandmother sometimes gets overwhelmed with having to support my granddad and my dad, who is wheelchair bound. she is the only one who is working to support the both of them to keep a roof over their heads. i wish at times i could help them at but we, too, are struggling ourselves. yep, christmas and our trip to florida for my sisters graduation from the academy definitely did us in. nonetheless, we are slowly picking up the pieces.

there's so much to say but that's the gist of it. until next time!

- L.

its been a minute

wow,

what can i say! a lot has changed within the last two years! i got married on july 11, 2015 to the love of my life, changed my last name, i graduated with my bachelors of science degree in child and adolescent studies in december 2012, and i now have a niece who will be turning 2 this weekend. my husband and i was also blessed with a new cars on the same day last february, and i got a new job as an administrative assistance working at a high school in washington d.c. but now looking to change over to pg county public schools (i have my reasons *side eye*). so far, i have been on a few interviews but no luck thus far but i still continue to remain hopeful. 

socially, i have been keeping to myself. i actually prefer not to be bothered by people but tend to get bored at times. after joining my sorority, i have had my ups and downs but things are looking up and i am glad to have gotten closer to more of my sorors and mended friendships along the way.

not sure how often i'll be blogging but i need to get back into some form of therapy to keep me my mind off of things. i'm kind of turning into a homebody whom prefers to stay home and watch netflix opposed to doing anything that requires getting out of bed. i've tried to get onto my crafty side but also have been getting bored with those too. i've tried making money by making flower vase pens, making waist-beads, knitting, etc. i miss blogging/designing web pages and along the way i have decided to stick with blogging. i want to have something that i can document my feelings towards life. i don't plan to write every moment something happens but only when i need too. i hope to return with more blessings that come across my path. so stay tuned!

 

remember me.

have you ever wondered what life would be like if you died today? would anyone miss me? how would i be remembered? i dont know. sometimes i feel like death is right around the corner from me. i cant help but to think that every time i leave home, i wonder if i'm going to ever come back. well, in the event that i dont. i want my family to know that i love them. my dad and ONLY DAD, grandparents, my sister, my mom, my stepdad, and last but definitely not least, my number one fan, my fiance. you've changed my life in ways that i wouldnt have ever imagined and i thank god for you everyday. my sorhors, i love you and im glad to have joined the best sorority in the whole wide world, my linesisters -- my only wish is that you continue to stick together and be there for one another no matter what.

always remember me because i will never forget.

but enough about all this death talk. in the event if it ever happened, i wanted to have something written down  somewhere with my thoughts in case my family never knew how much i felt about them.

with love,

quitta.

ratchet hos

i'm your average girl.... well then again far from TODAY'S girl.. nowadays girls be RATCHET... lookin oh so dumb. what i could never understand is why some of these hos put so much of their personal lives on the web. instagram, twitter, etc. and then they are the same ones that wonder why they could never find the right man. i'll tell u why! you gave so much of yourself on the web without leaving something to wonder about nor to look forward to. which means, you're turning niggas off based on slutting yourself out over the web. at that point these men have already cancelled you out without getting to know the real YOU! please ppl, don't try and sell yourself on the web via instagram hoping to catch the "man of your dreams". its not cute. i know it's probably a call for desperate measures.. but have some type of standard(s) and class. i know i'm engaged and all, so you probably think its easy for me to say that. but regardless, i will never become that desperate. #imjustsayin.

i'm learning...

i must admit. i have some regret... i wish i could have been a lot more outspoken in the past. its weird because i'm hell of a lot more outspoken with someone who would tick me off serving me at mcdonalds.. but to those that are closer to me, i wont say what it truly on my mind about whatever it is thats bothering me.

so i put myself to a challenge... DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT WHAT PEOPLE THINK because at the end, i wont be sitting here saying "damn, i should have said something"... i tend to let things boil over as i pray for change. i see that its not working. so here's to the new... ME! *cheers*

long time, no blog....

i'm back! yes, finally back to my life as i know it.

i've been on a hiatus for a while. so much was going on and i never had time to really sit down and gather my thoughts until now... i've been focusing on school because i changed my major AND on April 2, 2012 at 8:22pm i crossed the best sorority in the world, Sigma Gamma Rho Sorority, Inc. 1ELSP12.

nothing has been going on except my membership into the sorority... my relationship with my fiance is still going strong. my circle of friends are still the same...

i really missed blogging. its alot of things i wanted to get off of my chest but never had the time. put on your seat belts because i'm about to go in something serious... so stay tuned..

these freshmen are off the hook!

i love being somewhat of an mentor to the incoming freshmen. they are so excited about starting college and its just so cute. most of all, helping them make the right decisions and giving them tips what i love most only because i don't want them to walk into this university oblivious to the fact of what could possibly go down at the time of their arrival. i love that they are so excited about college but i'm pretty embarrassed of our university at times... especially when they don't treat the freshmen as top priority. its almost as if they carrying it as "oh well i got your money now... so whatchu want" type of vibe. so many of them are having issues as a FIRST TIME student at bowie. i thought we were to welcome our new students and assist them with their full attention.... admissions need to realize that WE PAY THEM and they just need to DO BETTER. i really do hope all works out for them.

i'm just as confused as you are!

okay, so i have this friend. i don't know what happened but one day i go to hit her up on facebook, and i noticed she deleted me as a friend. i have NO CLUE as to why soooo i go to text her [TWICE, one day and again the next] and she didn't reply. the 3rd day i called, she sent me to voicemail after 2 rings so i called again and then left a voicemail and never got an response even up til this day. i just want to know what i did to offend her and as i'm trying to get to the bottom of what happened, she completely ignores me. if she threw away the friendship we had than so be it, i don't care because we wasn't that close or anything. what is blowing me is not knowing the mistake i made in order to even go back and correct it for future references. to be honest, i have much more on my plate than to be worrying about this but i just want to know what i did so i won't offend someone else but doing whatever i did next time. thats it! OMG why am i worried about this!!! this is so random and yet, so confusing.

WHATS FUNNY TO ME IS, i don't know why she assumes that she's not going to see me on campus this upcoming semester... whatever. #ontothenextone.

new hair do by FABULOCS natural hair gallery!

chillin with my bestie! && missin the other bestie!

chilled this week with my bestie & college roommate, ANGEL. i was gonna spazz out on bowie state if they didn't place us as roommates again this year. kinda blown that my shoes [below] didn't ship to my house early enough before we went out on friday... i thought they were cuuuuute! only $27 and i am fine with that. #hello [gojane.com].

allllso..... i can't wait until me, angel, and khristina reunite. i miss her so much!!!!!! we are so close and i can't believe she's graduating this spring. what am i gonna do without her???! she live so far and it sucks because i can't even afford to visit her in GA. she'll be here on the 29th so we'll party hard before the semester starts. #cheerstothefreakinweekenddrinktothatyeeeeeeeaaah [haha]...

i love my hubby so much!!

spent time with my baby cakes the last couple of days! he stayed with me the last to days while my folks went on a cruise. i hate where i live and i live in the hood. but he kept me safe in his arms and i slept peacefully. i dont know what i would do if anything were to happen to him. i worry about him so much more every since i got in that accident. i already don't have alot of family as it is. only my grandparents and my dad... i'm not too close with my mom and birthdad. i wish i was but i feel like a step child to one and nonexistent to the other. long story but i don't see a change happening any time soon so i just rather stand beside to those that make me relevant in their lives. my fiance, my dad, and my grandparents. to me, thats all i have. i just can't wait tot start my future with him. first i want us to graduate, get our first apartment, get married, eventually get a house, and have a new addition to our home: a puppy! [HA, guess you thought i was gonna say a baby!] most importantly, i just wanna get away from this area... 

so im kinda blown . . .

i'm officially moved back home for the mean time. i will be moving back to campus at the end of this month. but im kinda sad that my wireless internet at home is too weak to upload videos. i'm so backed up on videos, its CRAZY! arrrrgh!

i hope something works out soon!

busy busy busy

ihatepacking.com #thatisall lol. in the process of moving my stuff off campus into my house. NOT TO MENTION, we gotta move back in again on aug 26th anyway because im stayin in the same building. just different room. i haven't packed and unpacked since my sophomore year but unfortunately same bedroom requests were not guaranteed this year. this is DUMB.

back to packing.

i caaaan't with these fake folk.

people have been acting really weird to me lately. or am i realizing how fake people can be these days? this is why i hate letting people in on the "real" me, letting them in on my personal life. this is why i keep people at a distance. not that i have been bad mouthing anybody lately, but i also realized that it aint but too many people you can tell your business too without the game of telephone being played. can't trust nobody these days . . . #knowwhoyourrealfriendsare

hbcu pride: its a BULLDOG nation.

as many problems i know my school has, i will always and forever be a bowie state bulldog. #imjustsaying

late night thoughts + random photo

random photo [taken a while back doing laundry with the hubby]

i really need to be asleep for real. buuuuuuuuuuuut i'm about to go to sleep. i vowed to start going to church on time from now on. usually i would go only to listen to the Word because i'm not interested in the other stuff like praise and worship. is it bad that i consider myself a private praiser? meaning, i like to sing and worship in my car on my way to and from church. i don't know .... also i honestly don't like when the pastor says "tell 2 or 3 people this and that.", "turn to your neighbor and say ...." i know that its just to get the church body to interact with each other and to create a family oriented environment but i don't like people touching/hugging on me and i don't like talking to people i don't know. i just joined the church in january but i'm like that with just about everybody i come across for real. "I DON'T KNOW YOU". lol... maybe i gotta change that because i think it turns a lot of potential friendships away. if it were a situation where i am working on a project or having a group discussion with people, i'd be more willing to talk because i'm great on taking initiative, giving ideas, and creative thoughts only because that's just the leader in me but i feel comfortable just being by myself if i'm in a room with a room full of people that i don't know. ALSO church service is early to me, i'd probably be a lot more alert if it were a little later and then maybe i will seem more approachable and willing to interact with others. i mean, who knows.... God knows how i feels about him and thats all that matters.

look at me now . . .

#stuntin #lookatmenow

i am ELATED to announce that i have a new car! i have been so blown over the last 2 weeks because i had to rely on my fiance and my folks for transportation but not anymore! its a nice vehicle too! i am really grateful because i experienced new "adult like" issues: filing claims with insurance companies, how to shop for a car the right way, what to look for when test driving a vehicle, making sure i ask questions and give honest opinions, if the sales representative wasn't confident in what he was trying to sell me then i knew to shop elsewhere, etc. i mean things like that were a MUST because being so that i am a female, i just knew they would try to sell me just anything. life is great now and getting better. it was hard getting this far into a new vehicle but i made. my hubby helped out a lot too and my folks was able to let me borrow money for down payment. . . . but i made it! the vehicle model will remain nameless because of some issues that had happened in the past. no one needs to know what i am driving but i don't mind sharing this exciting news on my blog because i am happy about it. #noshade

definition of a "friend"

angel

khristina

a friend will tell you if you have a booger. if you look busted. if your tracks are out of line. if your breath stank. if you they can see your bra through your shirt. if you did something that was not right, will sympathize with you, pay you back money if they ever borrowed it, give their honest opinion even if its something you don't want to hear, tell you if you need to put on a deodorant. a friend WON'T use you for their benefit, subtweet on twitter about you, talk about you behind your back, show off because company is around, or lie to you in front of your face. these are true qualities i look for in a friend and i cherish my two buttfaces. :) :) :)

angel - my pocket full of awesomes. i can't believe we have been friends this long. i am lucky to have you in my life. your shyness actually helped me calm down at times even though i often complained of you being so quiet. we talk about everything and i love hanging out with you. i love that you have been my roommate for 2 going on 3 years and we never butted heads about anything. we're tight and no one can break our bond! love you!

khristina - my little zeta friend lol (your name is in blue, HA) omg, your randomness brightens up my day. i love that we can talk about everything and the advice you give always comes up being the case in its occurrence. your wisdom is great and you're really family oriented. hell, even my dad and grandparents love you. its funny how we can think of one word to describe each situation and it sparks this whole conversation. you have an awesome talent: singing. i know that you will go beyond karaoking at applebee's. they miss you! you are a bright young lady [ugh, i sound old] and you have success written all over you. i am glad to have met you. love you!

aww, *tear* the semester needs to hurry up and start for real. i'm getting all emotional. without these two chicks, these are all the friends i have and thats because "friend" is not a word that i use loosely. its a lot of action that comes with that word when you use it. . . be mindful of who y'all hanging with and that's for real.

great news!

the last two weeks that i been thru was hell! all bad things were happening across the board. but in the midst of my wonderful day today i found out some awesome information! my financial aid finally came through, i will be changing my major to child and adolescent studies so i can hurry up and graduate, i feel confident than ever of buying my new car tomorrow from all that car shopping, i get paid on wednesday, i am glad that i have a clearer vision on what type of friends that i am looking for and who i choose to keep around me, and i realized that i don't mind being the "outcast" because i feel proud that i don't have to mimic what other people do in order to fit in. [and there's a whole lot more of where those last two that i mentioned came from]. i feel like instead of folks "feeling sorry for me" when they see me not associating with everybody, they need to be worried about if people are doing the same to them. #imjustsaying but in all seriousness, i like giving people the cold shoulder and shying away from others for one reason only, i don't like fake people up in my face. but see, folk tend to treat the situation like nothing happened and that don't sit well with me. all in all, what i am sayin is, i refuse to let people steal my joy and best believe that what happened, let that be the last time that happen again.

#backtoregularlyscheduledprogramming: CAR SHOPPING TOMORROW WITH THE BOOSKI!!

aww yay!

today i have had an excellent day. i have a better attitude and outlook on life lol... i wish i had more days like this. tomorrow hopefully will be even greater because i will be car shopping! && hopefully we'll have a winner. *cross fingers*

mini faces of me . . .

some random collage i made of myself. [bored.com times infinity]...

soon to be Mrs. Matthews . . .

i couldn't ask for a better hubby. my handsome is so sweet! i love him with everything and i know that he can always be there for me even through my hardest times. 3 and a half years and still going strong. can't wait until we get married. we are engaged and i love it! i don't even tell girlfriends about my relationship in depth . . . you live and you learn. ;)

quick facts about us: we're both 23, met in november 2007, started dating december 2, 2007, engaged february 16, 2008, and we both love the flat pieces of chicken wings, not the drumsticks. arrrgggh!

think happy thoughts . . .

okay so i'm tryin not to walk around this joint with a bad attitude but people be throwing me off with their fake acts. on the other hand, i miss my besties! can't wait until we do happy hour and karaoke again and our random trips to the mall [when i have money]. but as of right now what i am looking forward to the most is the smell of my new car! i cannot wait.

[rewind] on 4th of july i was in an accident [while in traffic - which what pissed me off the most] when a dude ran into the back of my car from a distance. it was clear that this dummy wasn't paying attention because the impact caused me to go to the hospital. some things lead me to become skeptical of him because he didn't want me to call the police after we pulled over. it just so happened to be my first accident and i wanted someone there to oversee all transactions so i won't forget to jot down important information from him. but that is neither here or there because my vehicle is totaled.

but my car is on its way, i can feel it. i already have my down payment, its just i have been so busy with my temporary job that i haven't gotten time to go car shopping with my hubby [the co-signer]. but i will be doing that all thursday so i'm excited. i already know what car i want: either a chevy colbalt or chevy aveo. i want a red either one of those.

pray for me. :)

"fake"

fake is not apart of my character. i don't like fake people. fake is most commonly used directly between females and coincides with drama, which is not my cup of tea. i only have two best friends in the result of fake-ness. friends are kept to a minimum for various reasons: because i don't do drama. i want no parts of it.

finally a place where i can speak my mind.

i kinda regret having the amount of followers and friends that i do on facebook and twitter. i find it hard to express myself the way i really want to because of so many people that i know paying close attention to me. [pastor, teachers, families, etc.]